The Gooseberry Bush Chronicles
by Baka-Sensei
Summary: R for language. A series of short vignettes where the Naruto characters begin acting quite odd... or at least how I want to see them act.
1. Kakashi hears something

Welcome to my wonderful world of joy! Let me first thank you for taking the time to read this (My psychologist says it should help with my therapy...) Please R&R! Don't worry, I realize I'm crazy... ''

-Baka-sensei

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The Gooseberry Bush Chronicles

Episode 1

Naruto sighed as he looked up at the form of his rival soaring through the trees ahead of him. Always ahead of him. Gods! Would he never be in the lead? Would he always have to follow behind as the cold, hard eyes of hatred bored into his back from all the villagers and everyone wanted him dead and... OH GOD WHY! Naruto couldn't bear it anymore. The sadness and sorrow... SADNESSANDSORROW!

While he was thinking all this, he lost his footing and fell down to the cold, hard ground of the forest floor. He scraped his knee. His widdle knee! Ohh the pain... Naruto burst into tears of despair.

"What's your problem...dobe," the cold unfeeling voice of Sasuke ripped into his prone form.

"My...PROBLEM?!" Naruto shrieked as more tears rained down his face, "My PROBLEM is that I have a FUCKING DEMON FO...!"

"Shh!!" Naruto was cut off as their _extremely_ delicious sensei hopped down from the foliage. "You know that's supposed to be a freakin' SECRET! SECRET! As in no one else should know about it!" Kakashi's face screamed of promised anguish, but suddenly changed as he pulled out his book.

His eye curved into a happy upward-crescent that seemed to say, "Look! I have more acting ability in my RIGHT EYE than Keanu Reeves has in his entire body!" With a muttered "tralala!" he skipped off to enjoy his perverted novel behind a gooseberry bush. Naruto sniffled.

"Naruto..." Sasuke's face suddenly softened, "I... I know how you feel. The pain... THE UTTER DESPAIRING LONLIENESS!! IT EATS AWAY AT YOUR HEART UNTIL... Oh, God... Naruto, would you hold me?"

The two boys clung to each other and began to weep desperately.

"What's going on?" Sakura asked, popping in with her PINKNESS OF EVIL and annoying the shit out of everyone. Suddenly, Kakashi dashed back from behind the gooseberry bush.

"Quiet!" he whispered harshly. "Did you hear that?" All four strained their ears, and a small noise sounded into the muffled silence of undergrowth. Sasuke's face went pale... if it was possible for his face to get paler than it was before.

"No..." he muttered, clinging to Naruto harder. Naruto broke out into a cold sweat.

"It can't be... that sounded like..." Naruto gasped.

"Yes..." Kakashi said. "It sounded almost exactly like the mating song of a miniature polka-dotted chupacabra."

"That can only mean one thing..." Sasuke said.

Owari

P.S. In a completely unrelated coincidence, Sakura was sucked into the engine of a commercial air-liner. Her remains were scattered across the now cursed state of Texas... damn red-necks...


	2. Sasuke and Sakura

Ahhh... what I wouldn't give to see this happen....

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The Gooseberry Bush Chronicles

Episode 2

Sasuke strutted over to Team 7's meeting place, preparing himself for another annoying interview with Sakura. He shook his under-aged (yet sexy) head of shining raven locks and sighed.

Why did it always have to be him? Why was he the hottest and most eligible rookie in the village? Why was he so damn delectable? Why couldn't they write in some cool, curvy and useful love interest for him? He sighed again.

Suddenly, her piercing, high-pitched whine reached him from across the river on the other side of the bridge.

"Ne, SASUKE-KUN! OHAYO!" Her freakishly pink head bobbed in excitement and her eyes looked duller and more 'shade baby-poop #34' than usual. She rushed across the bridge and latched onto him like a leech.

Naruto chose this opportune moment to rush over, accidentally knocking into Sasuke in his attempt to be on time. As Sasuke was concentrating on not becoming violently ill from Sakura's closeness, he hadn't noticed in time and fell to the ground with a thump.

"Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked, and when he merely grunted in answer, she knelt down and squeezed him close to her flat bosom. "SASUKE-KUN?! DAIJOUBU KA? SASUKE-KUNNNNNNN!! DOUSHITE?!" She quickly broke down into sniveling sobs that disgusted him. He finally snapped.

"GOD DAMN IT, SAKURA!" he screamed as he pushed her off of him violently. "Why don't you just go FUCK yourself?!?!?!"

He quickly got up and strutted away, reassuming his 'I'm waaayyy too hot and cool for YOU, bub!' pose. There was no sound, except for Sakura's sniffling, and the somewhat muffled but joyful exclamation of, "YES! FINALLY!" from fan-girls everywhere.

Owari

P.S. In a completely unrelated incident, Sakura was stranded under a gooseberry bush and forced to eat her own hair to stave off starvation, but then she died of hair-dye poisoning anyway. Oh well...


	3. Shikamaru and the box

The Gooseberry Bush Chronicles

Episode 3

Shikamaru looked up at the clouds lazily. This was his favorite thing to do... to simply blow off training and spend his time wandering dreamily through the Konoha forest and stare at the sky. The clouds were always interesting... always changing... they filled his heart with peace for some odd reason... maybe it was because they were so...not...troublesome... He sighed contentedly.

Suddenly, he stubbed his exposed toe on something rather hard. Cursing under his breath, he stopped to examine it. It was a small, metallic box chained to a gooseberry bush. How strange... and troublesome...

Shikamaru bent to examine this thing that had interrupted his nice walk. There was a small, slim hole in the side just big enough for him to slip his hand into. He held the box up to his eye and looked into the hole. It was dark. He sniffed at the box. A familiar odor wafted into his nose...

Banana... There was a banana in the box! He'd stake his I.Q. level on it. He glanced around quickly to see if anyone was watching, then tentatively slipped his hand into the box.

His fist closed around the plump fruit, and he felt a twinge of triumph sweep over him. It would soon be his. He could almost taste the soft, yellow deliciousness on his tongue. Bananas were his favorite fruit. How he loved bananas...

With a loud clank, Shikamaru found that his fist around the banana was now too big to fit out of the hole in the box. He scowled. How? How could he get that banana out? There had to be an answer. He pulled his fist more violently against the side of the box. His hand hurt. He was still no closer to getting that banana.

With a growl, he tried again. Soon he was banging his hand against the hard metallic sides, his injuries going unnoticed. All he thought about was that banana. Why couldn't he get it out? Damn it all!

He began banging the box against the ground, a neighboring solitary tree that just wanted to be left alone, and the gooseberry bush. Nothing worked.

Shikamaru was a genius. There was no doubt about that. He could easily explain the inner workings of the universe in a way that would put Einstein to shame. But he couldn't, for the life of him, get that banana out of this...this...THIS DAMN INSTRUMENT OF TORTURE!!!

With a wail of dismay, Shikamaru fell to the ground and began twitching convulsively. His eyes rolled back into his head and low, guttural noises escaped his throat.

"What the hell is that box, again?" Asuma asked from behind the gooseberry bush as he watched Shikamaru's fit.

"It's a monkey-trap," Chouji said, munching on a bag of chips that never seemed to empty.

"Well, I gotta hand it to you, Chouji. It seems like you finally found something that even our Shikamaru couldn't figure out," Ino admitted.

Chouji just smiled softly. He had known that even Shikamaru couldn't defeat the powers of the banana.

Owari

P.S. In a completely unrelated incident, Sakura's mangled corpse was found inside the glove compartment of a shitty little Dodge Neon. Inquiries are still being made as to the identity of the murderers. Their award of three million yen is still waiting to be accepted.

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	4. Sasuke and Naruto: The fight

Thanks to the five people who reviewed (even though 3 of them were the same person)... Hopefully I'll get more reviews soon. And, no, I really DON'T like Sakura. Naruto is my favorite. I'm not insanely crazy about Sasuke, but I like him because he's got a sad past and can actually kick butt. Sakura... she's just too useless. No flames please!

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The Gooseberry Bush Chronicles

Episode 4

Naruto looked at Sasuke. His sparkling, pain-filled, blue eyes conveyed the normal amount of confusion and obliviousness that they always conveyed, and a tear leaked down his be-whiskered cheek. A squealing fan-girl tried to dash up and squeeze him into a comforting hug, but was dragged off behind the gooseberry bush by security. (And I've got the bruises to prove it too, damn them...) Finally, he spoke.

"Why, Sasuke?" he asked quietly, his voice filled with so much angsty pain that the fan-girl being dragged off began convulsing spasmodically in an attempt to get free. Naruto ignored her. "Why?" he asked again.

"Because," Sasuke said, his sharingan leering at Naruto in a frighteningly creepy (yet sexy) way, "I must get that power..."

"But why? Why go to Orochimaru?" Naruto asked, tears pouring more freely down his face. "Didn't your time with Team 7 mean anything to you?" Sasuke sighed sadly.

"Yes, Naruto," Sasuke admitted. "It meant a lot to me. You see, to me, you've become my closest friend... that is why I must kill you."

Naruto cocked his head like a puppy, the gears in his mind trying (and failing) to process this information to the point where one could smell the smoke. With a grunt, he shook himself vigorously.

"Look, Sasuke," he said, "I dunno if you noticed, but I don't happen to be the brightest crayon in the box. Care to elaborate?"

"Fine," Sasuke grunted, "You see, my brother killed my entire family. He made me watch them die over and over in my head. He told me the only way to avenge them and kill him was that I must hate him and fear him, and cling to my life..." Sasuke's voice cracked, then rose an octave as he continued, tears beginning to leak out of his eyes.

"BUT HE ALSO SHOWED ME THAT IN ORDER TO DESTROY HIM I MUST KILL MY BEST FRIEND AND TO DO THAT I HAVE TO KILL YOU AND I MUST GO TO OROCHIMARU AND GET MORE POWER AND I GOTTA GIVE UP EVERYTHINGBECAUSEIAMSOFUCKING ANGSTYANDTHEPAINISSOOMUCHITHINKI'LLDIEAND...!!"

Sasuke took a breath and was about to continue, but was cut off rudely when Naruto wound back his hand and bitch-slapped him, hard, across his face. Sasuke stared at him in shock. Without a word, they both turned and started walking back to Konoha.

"Thanks," Sasuke finally said. "I needed that..."

Owari

P.S. In a completely unrelated coincidence, Sakura's corpse was found drained of blood and submerged in a dentist office fish tank. Her blood was found on the walls of the room of reviewer "doesnt make sense". Her blood spelled out the phrase, "Cut her some slack? I'd rather cut her throat..."


	5. KakashiXIruka: Logic conquers all

Just for you, Jenny...just for you...

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The Gooseberry Bush Chronicles

Episode 5

The birds chattered in the trees, the squirrels were busy hiding their nuts, and the sun was shining brightly. Peace, beauty and serenity abounded in the forests of Konoha. The only thing that broke the silence was a slight rustling from the vicinity of a rather large gooseberry bush. A muffled voice was suddenly heard.

"Hehehehe... boobies..."

Yes, Kakashi-sensei was doing what he did best on a beautiful day such as this; namely, getting off to Jiraiya's latest installment of _Icha Icha Paradise: Kunoichis Gone Wild_. Needless to say, this latest version was enough to give even the most stout-hearted of perverts a fatal nosebleed; so, naturally, Kakashi's cheeks were tinted a slightly more pinkish-red than usual.

Suddenly, for "no apparent reason" (translation: "a very badly concealed plot-device"), Iruka-sensei stumbled into the woods, tripped on a root, and fell directly into the gooseberry bush and onto Kakashi's lap. The fact that he was a ninja and had more coordination than the finest Olympic gymnast was of no consequence. Logic, it seems, had a hangover, and when the alarm clock went off that morning she had promptly thrown it violently at the wall with a muttered, "Aw, fuck it..."

With a quick apology, Iruka picked himself up and dusted off his Chunnin jacket. As he turned to leave, as he had no clue what he was doing here in the first place, Kakashi was "struck with an irrational, illogical and out of character desire of whimsy" (translation: "forced to do something by a fan-fiction writer with an extremely hentai mind"). Before Iruka had a chance to go too far, Kakashi reached out a gloved hand to take a grab at his ass.

Before Kakashi made contact with the firm deliciousness of Iruka's derriere, the Chunnin "leapt out of the way and into a nearby tree" (translation: "was saved by Baka-Sensei's healthy wish to not be murdered by her older sister for allowing anyone to touch HER Iruka-sensei"). With a glare that would have stopped Michael Jackson in his tracks if Iruka happened to be an under-aged boy, he growled threateningly at Kakashi.

"Would you mind telling me just _what_ it was you were trying to accomplish?" Iruka asked.

"Uhh...I was gonna grab your boo-tay," Kakashi admitted quietly. Iruka sighed.

"That really doesn't make any sense," Iruka began, using his best "teacher" tone of voice (you know, the one he uses whenever he lectures Naruto on being stupid...which basically means the tone of voice he uses whenever he interacts with Naruto).

"First of all, you're a freakin' hentai who is obsessed with Jiraiya's books," Iruka continued. "This IS Jiraiya we're talkin' about, so those books are full of nothing but grossly detailed descriptions of boobs, titties and their various uses in sexual acts."

"Hey!" Kakashi interjected, somewhat offended. "It's not ALL boobs and titties! There IS the occasional midget, horse and..."

"AND FURTHURMORE," Iruka cut him off before his ears lost more of their virginity, "you have no real reason to be attracted to me. I mean, we barely interact. Think about it. You're a quirky, insane, elite Jounin who spends his time reading perverted books when he's not doing assassinations or teaching his Genin team, and I'm a lovable, caring Chunnin whose behavior would make the Pope proud, and I spend my time mentoring troubled children. The only thing we have in common is we've both taught Naruto, and quite frankly, that isn't enough to build any sort of relationship on. I could count the number of times we've interacted on one hand. And since when are you gay? And just because I happen to be sensitive and don't have any kick-ass-super-moves-of-death doesn't mean I'm a homosexual."

Struck dumb by the sense in Iruka's speech Kakashi stared back mutely for a moment before finally asking,

"Yeah, but are you?"

"That's not the point!" Iruka shouted at him. "I'm trying to say that there's no fucking logical way that we would ever get together!" Kakashi pondered this for a moment.

"Dear God, you're right," he said after a while, his visible eye widening. "I don't know what came over me..."

"Don't worry about it," Iruka said. "Just don't let it happen again." And with that, he took off humming. He was going to go grade some papers, volunteer at the hospital, start a homeless shelter, and generally spread love, joy and smiles all about the village.

Kakashi grunted in awe as he went back to his novel. That Iruka suuuurreee had a fine ass...

Owari

P.S. In a completely unrelated coincidence, Sakura died while going under anesthesia for her breast-augmentation surgery. Apparently, someone had mixed up the knock-out drugs with a vile of cyanide. The anesthesia was sent to reviewer blackman, with a note that read, "Here, man. Take this. It might help you chill out."


	6. A night at the Evil Doers Convention

Sorry this took so long to get up... My account was frozen for a while...friggen nazis...

I'd like to dedicate this chapter to Kristin, who put up with my defiling of Kakashi... Don't worry Kristin, he's still delicious! Erm, I mean, even though he's COMPLETELY yours...please don't hurt me! I swear I didn't look at him for long!

Anyway, there are all those cosmetic-wearin' evil villains, but I always had a hard time imagining evil villains actually putting ON said cosmetics...so I tried to picture it...

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The Gooseberry Bush Chronicles

Episode 6

Cold sweat beaded on his pale brow. This was a very delicate situation. One slip, and all would be lost. In all of Orochimaru's life of evilness, this particular activity always required his utmost concentration. His impeccably plucked eyebrows knit together as his impeccably lined eyes narrowed.

Suddenly, the loud noise of a door slamming open broke his concentration. He snapped his eyes over to the doorway where Kabuto stood proudly, holding up his bounty for all to see in two brightly colored plastic bags.

"I've got the goods, ladies… erm, I mean, guys!" he proclaimed proudly. Orochimaru snapped.

"Dear GOD, Kabuto! How many times have I told you not to enter a room in such a loud fashion! Just LOOK at what you made me do!"

Kabuto looked a little closer at his evil master. He was sprawled on the floor, his glowing raven hair braided neatly down his back, dressed in a maniacally diabolical purple nighty of doom. He had been painting his impeccably groomed nails with hypnotic death lilac #4 nail-polish; only because of Kabuto's noisy entrance, the nail-polish had been jaggedly applied below the impeccably buffed cuticle. Kabuto grinned sheepishly.

"Sorry, Orochimaru-sama!" he apologized. "It's just I get so excited when we have these slumber parties… erm, I mean, evil planning sessions of destruction! Anyway, I got the movies you asked for, and some extra eye-liner!"

"Ooooo! Gimme, gimme!" Haku squealed, snatching said cosmetic from Kabuto and rushing back to the bathroom where he had been showing Kankuro how to pluck his nose-hairs earlier. He promptly popped open the eye-liner and leaned closer to the puppet-master's face.

"See, Kankuro? This color matches your eyes SO much better! Let me show you how to apply it so it looks more menacing!" Haku exclaimed happily as he began to draw fresh war-lines onto Kankuro's face.

Itatchi sighed from where Kisame was helping him paint his toe nails.

"What movie did you get, again?" he asked.

"Hmm… I got _Crossroads_. It was half-off at Goosberry Bush Blockbuster!" Kabuto replied. Kisame grunted and mumbled under his breath.

"I still think we shoulda got _Jaws_."

"Oh, what's with the long face, silly-billy? I got you your favorite snack!" Kabuto sympathized. With a squeal of joy, Kisame hopped up and grabbed the Goldfish crackers from Kabuto's outstretched hand.

"Besides," Orochimaru said, "I haven't seen this movie yet. I've been waiting to get a few tips in torture techniques from the all-powerful queen of doom! Britney is soooo awesome!"

Haku giggled from the bathroom.

"Not as awesome as someone _else_ is!" he chimed in a sing-song voice.

"Who?" Kankuro asked after he gracefully poked himself in the eye with the eyeliner.

"Didn't you know? Orochimaru-sama has an infatuation!"

"Ewww… he should go outside then!"

"NO, you fucking moron!" Itatchi exclaimed. "It means he likes someone."

"Oh…" Kankuro mumbled ashamedly. Kisame grunted around his mouthful of crackers, an unintelligible guttural sound that was a sad attempt at speech.

"Swallow, baka," Itatchi sighed. Kisame gulped.

"Who does Orochimaru-sama like?" he asked, then promptly stuffed his mouth with crackers again.

"Sasu…" Haku started.

"SHUT UP!" Orochimaru interrupted.

"Oh, come on! It's already obvious," Haku whined.

"Yeah, we won't tell anyone, we swear!" Kankuro offered.

"You guys have to PROMISE," Orochimaru said finally. "On pain of death and exile from the evil-doers club, you will not tell anyone!"

"Oy-yay, oy-yay!" they all agreed. Orochimaru mumbled.

"What?" asked Itatchi. He mumbled again.

"Huh?" Kankuro asked.

"SASUKE-KUN, OKAY!?" Orochimaru promptly shoved his head under a pillow in shame.

"Awwwww!" Haku exclaimed. "He's blushing!"

"I think I'm a little disturbed," Itatchi said. "Sasuke is my brother after all… but I guess since you're such a great guy, Orochi, I'll share him with ya. He's already a little too obsessed with me for his own good. It can't be healthy."

"I think it's a match made in hell!" Kankuro exclaimed. Kabuto promptly began to sob.

"I thought you loved ME, Orochimaru-sama?!" he wailed.

"Oh, shut up, all of you!" Orochimaru mumbled from under the pillow. "Bother Haku about Zabuza for once!"

"He DOES have a beautiful body!" Haku beamed.

"And that's the only reason I want Sasuke!" Orochimaru sputtered in an attempt to regain some of his dignity. Reluctantly he finally showed his face again. He had street cred and a rep to maintain, after all. "For his body!"

"Suuuuurrrreeee," Kisame said. "He's only 13, man, how great of a body can he have?"

"You'd be surprised…" Kankuro mumbled with a smirk.

Owari

P.S. In a completely unrelated coincidence, Sakura was mauled to death by a lawn gnome. When approached for comment, the gnome replied, "Lawn gnomes can't talk! Go away!"


	7. The Island of Misfit Pairings

Well, I know this took me a long time to get up, but I suck, so sorry. (As if you were all waiting anxiously for the next installment anyways...)

This chapter is dedicated to Kristin for her birthday... well, belated birthday anyway, because I love her DEARLY but I'm a terrible procrastinator. I hope you enjoy it, Kristin dear, and somehow find it within your magnanimous heart to forgive the tardiness.

The poem is copyright my big sister Jenny... I just had to put it in... and the song is copyright Deborah Cox who hopefully won't sue me.

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A quick A/N to reviewers WTF and Mayura: 

I enjoyed your reviews. Really, they made me laugh. If you find it in your heart, please write me more. Doubtless I will find them just as amusing. However, for your sake and the sake of all parties involved, I suggest you look up the definition of the following words:

1. satire

2. sarcasm

3. parody

4. exaggeration

5. caricature

If you can't figure it out, I suggest you grow a sense of humor, some wit and a badly needed measure of intelligence. I must agree however, that I enjoy leafygirl's writing. She was already in my favorite author list before you suggested her. Thanks anyway. :)

If you decide to flame me in the future, please consider using correct grammar as well as trying to come up with more original insults. I prefer things like, "You guys are waffle-faced, hermaphrodite mole-people with the intelligence of a jar of athlete's foot ointment." Thank you again for your input.

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The Gooseberry Bush Chronicles

Episode 7 (aka: The Kristin Birthday SPECIAL!)

Naruto groaned as he leaned on the railing. Tsunade, for some unknown reason, had decided to take the whole cast on a luxury cruise. Where she got the money and why she would invite EVERYONE (this included Orochimaru and his whole organization of Evil Doers, as well as several dead characters who decided to take a break...from being dead...) Naruto had no idea. He only knew that he wanted to die.

They had been on this freakin' boat for a freakin' week and now it seemed they were lost in the mysterious fog that had suddenly showed up out of nowhere. Naruto hated boats. He hated them so freakin' mu---!

Naruto's thinking was abruptly cut off as he became reaquainted with his lunch for the third time that day. Almost as soon as he was done heaving, there was a flash of bright light and a booming noise that was so strong it created waves that rocked the boat violently. Stumbling around, Naruto misplaced his lunch again (how he had lost it multiple times is something scientists are still trying to figure out) all over Sasuke's shoes.

Naruto looked up sheepishly and was about to apologize to Sasuke's twitching eyebrow, when an insane cackle cut him off. The evil laugh seemed to permeate the very air around them. Kakashi finally looked up from his book, Chouji finally looked up from his bag of chips, and Ero-Sennin finally stopped oggling Tsunade's fake boobs.

"YES! YES, MY SISTERS! WE HAVE DONE IT! WE HAVE TRULY GAINED CONTROL!" an elated booming voice shouted, startling even Orochimaru out of his lacey, purple panties.

Suddenly, the boat lurched to a halt, and everyone on the large commercial liner promptly fell onto their tight ninja asses.

"Itaii!" Naruto groaned, not caring who saw him graphically rub the offending muscles. "Naze, dattebayo?"

"Shut up, Dobe," Sasuke sighed, "and what does 'dattebayo' mean anyway?" (A.N. No, seriously, what does it mean? It's been driving me nucking futs!) A sweet voice cut off Naruto's retort.

"Come, my friends," it beckoned from beyond the ship. "Come and see..."

Instead of being justifiably creeped out, the group of ninjas felt as if they _should_ go see, and filed silently off the ship onto the sandy beach they had landed on. Standing underneath a _reeeeaaaallllllyyyyy_ nice gazebo made entirely out of coconut husks was a blonde teenage girl in a flowing white dress with the word "BECKY" emblazoned upside-down across her chest.

"Uhhh... who are you?" Sakura asked, before being promptly eaten by a passing fiddler crab, and forgotten about for the rest of the story. The blonde rolled her eyes, failing to notice the useless...pink..._thing_ had been eaten, and also failing to warn the rest of them about the vicious fiddler crabs.

"Jeeeeezzzz, cantcha read? My name is on my dress." To demonstrate it's legibility, she glanced down at her chest and spelled out "B...E...C...K...Y" for the benefit of everyone in attendance. "I even put it where everyone would want to be looking anyway..." Ero-sennin nodded before Tsunade punched him in the gut.

"...'k..." Shikamaru astutely stated after several moments of silence. "What was that weird voice a while ago?" The blonde's face became very solemn.

"That..." she paused for dramatic emphasis, "was the Mother of all rabid fangirls." At this point she put her palms together, bent her middle fingers, twisted her hands around each other and wiggled her middle fingers in some sort of odd, religious salute. It was, in reality, a widely unknown hand seal that had originated in the clans of the ninjas of Wetawd Hidden Village, who, since they _were_ Wetawds after all, died out, leaving their secrets fairly...secret.

"...'k..." Kakashi echoed after another few moments of silence. "Where are we, anyway?" Becky's face glowed in pride.

"Welcome to our creation," she said with a wide sweeping of her arms. "Welcome to the Island of Misfit Pairings!"

"Island of Misfit Pairings?" Gai questioned, raising his impressive eyebrows at Lee, who raised his own impressive eyebrows back at Gai, who raised his eyebrows at Lee again and happily shouted, "AHA! Eyebrow raising competition! If I cannot raise my massive eyebrows 300 times, I will flare my nostrils 200 times!" Lee began to cry with joy at the beauty and inspiration that was his mentor.

Kakashi walked up behind Gai and slapped his bowl-cut endowed skull, never raising his eyes from his perverted novel. Gai was about to retaliate, but Becky interrupted.

"The Island of Misfit Pairings is a glorious land!" Becky proclaimed happily. "You will all enjoy yourselves during your stay here! You'll see..."

They would have believed her but for the well-placed crack of thunder, her darkening features and the maniacal laugh that pealed from her lip-glossy lips. After a moment, she cleared her throat.

"Now, if you will follow me," she said, beckoning to them. They all followed her, since there was really nothing else to do, and if they hadn't it would have ruined the whole f-ing story.

They finally came to what looked like an island resort except that everything, from the cabins down to the hot-tub, was made out of coconut husks. Becky turned and smiled at them.

"Well, this is it! I guess I'll leave you to it!" And with that ominous proclamation, she disappeared in a pink cloud of sparkly smoke.

"…Alrighty then," Tsunade said after the glitter had dissipated, "Hokages get first dibs on cabin choosing!" She had clearly forgotten that she had also invited several other deceased Hokages who were taking a break… from being dead.

Yondaime, since he was the 'Yellow Flash' of Konoha after all, beat her to the nice cabin with the cute pineapple shaped lights and slammed the door in her face. Tsunade was angry, so she did what she always did with misdirected rage, and punched Jiraiya in the stomach.

After a few more arguments, everyone found a cabin for themselves. Each one was stocked full of anything they might need; swim suits, towels, sun-tan lotion, and adorable pink ducky slippers. Orochimaru used one of his special jutsus and turned them purple, of course.

After a quick dinner, everyone decided to hit the hay… errr… coconut husks. The only one who couldn't sleep was Naruto, who, being the hyper bundle of ramen and determination that he was, decided to go knock some sense into the evil fiddler crabs. Naruto was good at knocking sense into people after all. That, and eating ramen. Oh, and wearing orange. And having these ADORABLE, sad, blue, puppy dog eyes that made you want to hug him until all his pain went away and let him know that all he did was appreciated and those villagers who hated him were BASTARDS and give him all his dreams on a silver plat—! ( Management apologizes for the tangent in the narrative. The people responsible have been sent to a concentration camp for annoying writers and pink haired, useless ninjas.)

Anyway, the next morning, Naruto came back exhausted from a very long night on the beach fighting demonic fiddler crabs. He had won (duh!) and now a line of very happy fiddler crabs walked behind him carrying banners that read "Naruto ROX!" and playing joyful songs on their… fiddles. As soon as he walked into the camp, however, Naruto realized something was amiss.

The smell of chocolate syrup and something slightly musky filled the air. Naruto could faintly hear really shmoozy lounge music playing in the background. Oh, yeah, and it seemed as if everyone had gone bat-shit insane, judging from the amount of slow-dancing, hot-tub macking, and various other unmentionable activities going on. The fiddler crabs took one look and ran for cover.

Naruto crept in for a closer look at the people lounging (groping) in the hot-tub. Jiraiya was threading his fingers through Orochimaru's long, greasy hair with zeal. Tsuanade seemed to be frighteningly preoccupied with making goo-goo eyes at Shizune's nin-pig. Naruto began to wretch when she placed a slobbery kiss on its hairy snout. The pig made a noise that sounded like a nasally, "Waaoooiii," a rare sound to hear coming from any animal, much less a pig. The pig had obviously missed Old MacDonald's memo.

After barely managing to hold down his ramen, Naruto booked it away from the hot-tub, passed a gooseberry bush, and came face to err… ass with a fairly buck-naked Gaara stalking on all fours seductively towards a flushed looking Chouji. Naruto swallowed a scream that ended up sounding like, "EEP!" and ran in the opposite direction.

Of course, the opposite direction was straight towards the center of the camp. Naruto skidded to a halt as his eyes got impossibly wider. He was shocked into silence, which had the same chance of occurrence as a meteor hitting a duck who had been eating muffins in the middle of June after becoming depressed because no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't make his quack echo.

Itachi was lounging under a gazebo with Yondaime. The Hokage was draped rather scandalously over the Uchiha's lap, and both were smoking joints and muttering things like, "Duuuuuude," and "Sweeeeet," after every hit. Itachi was alternately licking at the Yondaime's neck and toking sweet Mary Jane (the drug...not the person).

Iruka and Kisame were dancing. Scratch that. They weren't dancing so much as gyrating their hips against one another. They were both wearing purple-seashell bras and crooning, "Undah DA SEEEAAA!" in a way that made the simple lyrics sound plain dirty.

Ignoring the continuing assault on his ears of, "Dahling it's bettah, down weah it's _wettah_, TAKE IT FROM MEEEE!" Naruto turned to run into his cabin to seek some form of safety. As soon as he bolted the door behind him, however, he turned around to dive under the bed and instantly regretted his decision.

He was caught with an eyeful of Sasuke. More importantly, a shirtless Sasuke struggling with his pants while Konohamaru looked on with a type of interest one should _never_ see on a 7-year-old's face. When Naruto managed to process the information, he tackled Sasuke away from the boy he looked on as some sort of screwed up little brother, screaming obscenities.

"What the FUCK is your problem! You flippin'… PEDOPHILE!" Naruto shrieked. Sasuke looked up at him calmly from where Naruto had him pinned to the floor.

"Hn. Dobe, do you even know the definition of that word?" he sneered.

"YEAH, TEME! It means you like to screw around with little-boys! PERVERT!" Naruto screamed while slamming Sasuke's head harshly to the coconut-husk floor.

"Okay, Naruto. But do you remember how old I am in this current story-arch? 12. If I'm a little boy, and _he's _a little boy, does that necessarily make me a pedophile?"

"Yeah, nii-chan! Lighten up!" Konohamaru piped in from his seat on the bed.

At this point, Naruto was hit rather strongly with that feeling he often got when he was under a genjutsu of some sort. His stomach did flip-flops, and somewhere within his mind he heard Becky's evil cackle. He suddenly felt the strong urge to cry.

"Fine, Sasuke!" he sobbed out from his rather convenient position sitting on top of the boy's stomach. The Uchiha's eyes widened. "If I mean that little to _both _of you…" he trailed off with a sad glance at Konohamaru, then jumped from his Sasuke-seat and ran to the bedside table.

Naruto grabbed the conveniently placed pencil and paper and sprinted out of the cabin. A dazed Sasuke and Konohamaru followed. When Naruto slammed the door open and dashed outside howling his grief, Kakashi disentangled himself from a pile of Haku and Zabuza and lazily walked over.

"What's going on?" he asked. Naruto crumpled pathetically to the ground and began scribbling on the piece of paper.

"I have to express my grief!" Naruto wailed dejectedly. Kakashi raised an eyebrow at Sasuke and Konohamaru, which was hard to concentrate enough to do since Haku had come over and begun biting his ear, and Zabuza was running his hands up and down the backs of Kakashi's thighs.

When Naruto finished his haiku poem, he read it aloud quietly to himself, but somehow everyone, even Gaara and Chouji who were a good 200 yards away, managed to hear him perfectly clearly. Apparently, the general laws of sound waves did not apply here.

"A child without hope.

A wilted butterfly.

Who said life was fair?"

After he had read his poem, a collective gasp rang throughout the camp, and Naruto began crying again. Sasuke came up and put a hand on Naruto's quivering… shoulder.

"Kami, Naruto," he whispered in awe. "That was beautiful." Shikamaru was moved to tears. He swept Naruto into a hug.

"It was so profound," Shikamaru sobbed into Naruto's neck. "It was genius! You've changed my life…"

Naruto began to melt into the embrace, but was suddenly struck with another strange urge when he saw Sasuke staring at him. He broke from the hug and ran over to the conveniently placed karaoke machine and keyed up a song. By this point, everyone had stopped their various…erm… _activities_, and watched the blonde in anticipation.

A somber melody pumped from the speakers. Naruto stood on the small stage with his head bowed, clutching the microphone tightly. Then he began to sing…

"To just act like we never were,

To come around and not show hurt,

How dare we grieve by shaking hands,

Just months ago, I was your man, was your man…"

His voice soared out into the air. It was the most beautiful thing any of the ninjas had heard. The rich sound of it was laced with incredible pain; pain so profound and real that every single person was touched to the core of their soul. Naruto clutched the mic harder, his eyes closed, his free hand jerking and pointing alternately in the air in sync with his voice.

"We can't be friends, ohhhh noooo, oh no,

Weee can't be friends, if we CAN'T BE LOVAHS!

Weee can't be friiiiieeenndds, cuz I'm still in looove with youuuuuu, ooo, ooo!"

The song continued, as Naruto gazed soulfully into the audience of stunned ninjas. Yondaime muttered under his breath.

"Hell. He's probably my son, and even _I_ want to jump him!"

Owari

P.S. In a completely unrelated coincidence, the fiddler crab who had eaten Sakura gained a stomach ache of rather humongous proportions and had the runs for a week. The fiddler crab doctor told him he shouldn't go eating things if he didn't know where they had been.


	8. AU Stands for Absolutely Unfathomable

AN UPDATE? OMGWTFBBQHOTTNESS!

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A.N: This is my tribute to all the AU fics out there (that's Alternate Universe for all you ignorant people…) While I can understand the thought-process behind certain AU fics where they put the Naruto ninjas in real high school to try and get them closer to us, or make them all neko-ed or demon-ed out, or something along those lines, I have no idea where the fuck people get the idea to put them into situations that are so far from actual ninja-ness that it's, well, damn confusing and makes no sense. I hope that this fic makes absolutely no sense as well… or I would be really disturbed.

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The Gooseberry Bush Chronicles

Episode 8

Naruto poked at the bags under his eyes while staring at his reflection. He coifed his blonde hair to no avail. He looked half dead. Damn the long hours of this new job. He had been working practically non-stop since he graduated from Konoha University (someone really ought to have fired him by now, since there was no such college within the continental U.S.). He adjusted his tie and half-stumbled into the kitchen.

Pouring himself a cup of coffee, Naruto decided that today definitely called for a double shot of vodka in his java. Then for good measure he threw in a couple Alka-seltzers. Oh, and he remembered to grab his Zoloft on the way out the door.

Walking into the sweltering streets that smelled vaguely of hot dog stands and urine, Naruto slung his briefcase over his shoulder and hailed a cab. He scratched at his odd whisker birthmarks absentmindedly and sipped on his coffee-vodka-Alka-seltzer smoothie.

The cab-driver asked him where he was going. He noticed the man's pronounced Japanese accent, and answered him back in his native tongue, as this was the prime opportunity for the authoress to show off the few Japanese words she'd gleaned from other fanfics, and she liked the superiority complex it gave her. The cab driver spun about in surprise.

"(You are from Japan?) " he asked. (A.N: The lil "( )" means it's being spoken in Japanese!)

"Aa," was Naruto's succinct reply.

"(I see. Excuse me for being surprised, but you don't look Japanese.)"

"(I get that a lot.)"

The driver smiled and asked, "Tabako o san-bon ikaga desu ka?"

"Iie, wisuki o rop-pon dake hoshii desu," Naruto replied. (See A/N at end for translation...if you even care...)

It was at this point that the vodka and Zoloft began to take affect. It was also around this time that Naruto happened to notice that there was a small fox sitting in the seat next to him.

"What's goin' on?" Naruto asked. He figured since he was obviously trippin' he might as well enjoy it.

"I have come to tell you your destiny," the fox boomed in a disturbingly deep and evil voice.

"'K. You gotta name?"

"Kyuubi. I am a random character that they tried to fit in so that this fic would have some kind of resemblance to the anime."

"Ah."

"Anywho, I have come to tell you something you don't know about yourself, stuck in the unfulfilled and meaningless rat-race as you are."

"Oh, no, don't worry. After I got over that hang-over, I managed to remember most of the details of last weekend. Sasuke-teme is a pretty good fuck when he's not an asshole." Naruto failed to realize the irony of that last statement.

"No, no. This isn't about that."

"Okay, well then get to the point. We're freaking out my Japanese brotha." Naruto pointed to the cab driver, who was intermittently glancing at Naruto worriedly and flipping off the other drivers. Naruto decided to stop talking to hallucinations around other people.

"All right," Kyuubi said with a sigh. "Naruto, did you know that you are no ordinary man, but are, in reality (at this point the cab took on a red glow and the camera did a close-up on Kyuubi's cat-like eyes. They were considering putting in a drum-roll, but opted for the ominous synthesizer music instead: DUN DUN DUUUUUN!) a stock-broker from HELL?"

Naruto blinked.

"Nope. Can't say I was privy to that information."

"Hmph. Good thing I came along. Enjoy your new powers!"

So saying, Kyuubi vanished in a puff of smoke and a bubble of maniacal laughter. Naruto hopped out of the still-moving cab. It was a great technique to use if you didn't want to pay the bill as long as you didn't mind the leg injuries. After Naruto picked himself off of the pavement, he walked into his office building.

"Naruto! Where have you been?" his boss, Tsunade growled at him when he walked in. "You're late!"

"I'll say," a gray-haired man with his tie flung strategically over his face stated. "You're even later than I am!"

"Can it, Kakashi," Naruto muttered. "Just because your adult film industry stocks are in a slump doesn't mean you get to take it out on everyone else." The gray haired man sighed.

"And it seemed like such a good investment at the time," he lamented.

"Anyway," Tsunade interrupted, "I need you down on the market floor. Sasuke has been buying up all the stock that your clients requested you get a foot-hold in today."

Naruto growled as he rushed to get to Wall Street. Sasuke was the top stock-broker in Orochimaru's firm, their competition and Naruto's eternal rival. Damn that Sasuke! He'd show him when he became the Stock-Broker-Kage! Though what exactly the fuck that was he had no idea.

He flung open the revolving doors that lead into the stock market (flinging open revolving doors is quite a feat, I tell you me). The shouts and general mayhem of the bidding floor seeped into his senses. He saw a flash of raven hair and scowled.

Suddenly, a niggling feeling hit him ( hehehe… niggling…). He heard Kyuubi's maniacal laughter in the back of his mind. Suddenly, he was hit with the strange urge to make a cross with his middle and pointer fingers and scream, "KAGE-BUNSHIN!" at the top of his lungs.

With a puff of smoke, the bidding floor was covered with dozens of Narutos, all of them screaming variations of, "Buy! Sell! Sell! I said SELL dammit!" With the ferocity of a tropical storm, the hoard swept the room, and soon the entire stock-market belonged to him. Naruto and his clients were the owners of the world. Naruto decided he would definitely be taking his drug and vodka cocktail every day.

(WE INTERUPT THIS FICTION FOR A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: The surgeon general says drugs are icky. Don't do them unless you have no aversion to waking up next to Jewels the clown with half the cartilage in your nose eaten away. If that is your thing, however, I'm not one to judge… you damn sickos.)

Sasuke looked on the multitudes of Narutos in open-mouthed awe. Triumph rose in Naruto's gut. He gave a toothy grin along with a burst of ecstatic laughter.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YES! I am the STOCK-BROKER FROM HELL! BOW TO ME!"

"…the fuck?" Sasuke breathed.

"Exactly," a random passing gooseberry bush replied.

Owari

P.S. In a completely unrelated coincidence, Sakura made friends with a serial killer. Needless to say, it was a bad move. Her head is in my closet.

* * *

A/N: Stolen from a Japanese phrase book. The taxi driver asked, "Would you care for three cigarettes?" to which Naruto replied, "No, just six bottles of whiskey." 


	9. Love Hurts

Hey minna-san! No, I'm not dead. Contrary to popular belief. I just had a little trouble finding the motivation to get this one out there... sorry...hehehe

I'd like to dedicate this one to Freanch-fri-freak (I LOVE YOU!), who convinced me that this good-for-nothing fic of random nothingness was worth continuing! XD

READ THIS FIRST: A little A.N. is required before you read this one... I'm bloody sick and tired of seeing fics revisiting the same angsty problems over and over and over and over again. Find something a LITTLE more original once in a while... Please, no more fics with the main plot point being... well, I don't wanna ruin the story, so one of the things I mentioned below. :-D

Also, I used Kakashi and Iruka for this because even though I am a HUGE fan of the KakaIru pairing and many of the fics out there, I feel that too many people make Iruka into a whiny little bitch, and it annoys me. So of course, I exagerrated and over-did it. What else is new? No flames please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Ha! I finally did a disclaimer! I KNEW I could jump on the bandwagon!

* * *

The Gooseberry Bush Chronicles

Episode 9

Kakashi had had enough. For three months now Iruka and him had been dating (for some reason as of yet unknown to man… perhaps it was the old "opposites attract" rule), and he had yet to get any action. And when he thought the term "any" he meant "not even a fucking hand-hold in the middle of a dark movie theatre." Seriously, Kakashi was a pervert extraordinaire. He had never gone this long in _any_ relationship without getting a 'lil poon-tang…er… ass…whatever.

So the perverted Jounin had decided (since he _was_ a genius and all) that he would finally confront his adorable yet untouchable boyfriend about the issue. Surely the sensei would understand…heh… it was kinky to think about doing it with a teacher… Kakashi liked it. Maybe he could even dress up in a school-boy uniform and--!

His thoughts were cut off abruptly when he ran straight into the object of his thoughts, knocking him on his tight and rather tasty butt. Apparently, the fantasies had clogged his mind so much that he had missed out on the opportunity to oggle the real thing. Damn. He really needed to work on catching those missed opportunities.

"Ah, Kakashi-sensei," Iruka noted observantly. Heh. He called him sensei. There was that kinky fantasy rearing its head all over again. Literally. (A/N: Think about it…)

He noticed belatedly that he had been staring at Iruka without saying anything for the last five minutes, and the Chunnin had begun blushing across the bridge of his scarred nose…which didn't mar his face at all, but rather added to the adorability factor. Herm… maybe distracting thoughts brought good things once in a while. Maybe if he was lucky he'd get to kiss the scar and make it better one day. Shit, that thought was not perverted in the least. It was actually sweet. Another thing he had to work on.

"Er… gomen," Kakashi finally stammered out. "Glad I ran into you. I was actually hoping I could speak with you."

"Oh, of course!" Iruka beamed. "I just got out of teaching my classes. Shall we?"

Iruka led the way to his apartment, and Kakashi decided he rather liked it when Iruka led the way… good view of his ass from back here.

When they reached the apartment and stepped inside, Kakashi finally attacked. He backed the adorable Chunnin into the wall, and was about to lower his mask for a big ol' sloppy kiss (you know, the good, healthy, old-fashioned kind…none of this namby pamby 'first kiss' chasteness) when he realized that Iruka was shaking enough to put an epileptic to shame and had a look of utter terror on his face.

"'Ruka?" he asked hesitantly, eyeing the frightened dolphin (well, he wasn't _really_ a dolphin, but that's what his name meant, so you might as well refer to him in such an inaccurate way… it was cool). "What's wrong?"

Iruka wheedled his way out of the copy-nin's grasp and moved over to sit heavily on the couch…futon…whatever type of furniture ninjas use.

"I knew that this day would finally come," Iruka murmured dramatically. "I had tried to avoid it, but…"

"What is it?" Kakashi asked, sitting beside him.

"Well, I'm…afraid of getting physical for a very serious and important reason…several actually. You don't mind if I pour my heart and guts out onto your shoes?"

"Not at all. That's why I wear shoes."

"Oh, yes. I keep forgetting…" Iruka trailed off again.

"So…why are you afraid?" Kakashi prompted. He hoped this wouldn't take too long, because if he wasn't gonna get any tonight, he _really_ needed to go home, watch some porn, have a good wank, and take a nap.

"Well, when I was younger you know how I was the class-clown and prankster? I made a lot of enemies, needless to say, and well, one day… some of the older boys decided to get me back for all the jokes I'd played on them."

"Kicked the shit outta ya, eh?" Kakashi asked….sympathetically. If that sentence could really be intoned in a sympathetic way.

"At first, yeah," Iruka said. It was the cheesy 'Sadness and Sorrow' background music that tipped Kakshi off… damn, this was about to get a lot more emotional and worse than he thought.

"After they beat me up, they…took turns…raping me…" A collective gasp was heard, as well as the wailing denial and grief from hundreds of fan-fiction addicts.

"Raped you?" Kakashi asked, horrified. "Why wasn't it stopped?" Tears began flowing down Iruka's face artistically.

"They hid us behind the gooseberry bush while they did it," he sobbed out.

"Who?"

"Mizuki-san... he was my best friend and he betrayed me..." Iruka broke into helpless sobs.

"Who besides Mizuki?"

"Oh... a bunch of random, throw-away characters. You know, like all the ninjas who died when Orochimaru attacked that one time..."

"Oh, Iruka. I'm so sorry. I had no idea. To think you would be brave enough to even agree to be in a relationship with me after something so horrific…"

"Wait, there's more," Iruka interrupted.

"More?"

"Yes. You see," Iruka stopped, the tears still running unchecked down his face as he raised a shaking hand to his sleeve. Slowly, he raised it to his elbow, showing angry, red criss-crossing cuts all the way up his forearm, mixed among a patchwork of scars. (Not criss-crossing patchwork quilts, mind you. Blankets were nowhere in the vicinity of this story.) "I also have been feeling so depressed for the past twenty years that I've taken to self-mutilation."

Kakashi felt his eyes begin to sting with tears as he bent down and kissed the marks softly through his mask. (Awwww!)

"Why? Why!" he choked out.

"Well, you act so indifferent to me sometimes, I thought you would never return my love. I thought I wasn't good enough. I deserve to be punished," Iruka sobbed.

"Oh, koibito, no!" Kakashi ground out adamantly. "The only one to blame for this is me. How could I neglect you like that? I love you so!"

"Really, 'Kashi?"

"Of course! How could you ever doubt that?"

"Oh, just hearing you say that makes me so happy!" Iruka smiled. "Now that I have your love, I'm sure I'll be able to get over all this depression and angst immediately with no counseling whatsoever!"

"Iruka, you're so beautiful! Can I kiss you?" Kakashi leaned in to do so, but stopped when he felt Iruka's hand on his chest pushing him back.

"I'm not done yet," he said. "There's more."

"Still?"

"Yeah. You see, I'm afraid I didn't want to get close to you because I have a terminal disease. Consumption. Some weird, incurable form apparently. I didn't want to put you through the pain of losing someone important to you. The doctors said I had five years left to live, and that was approximately 4 years, 11 months, 30 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes and 55 seconds ago. So sorry, but I guess I'll see you when I see you. Love you."

Having made this proclamation, Iruka promptly keeled over. Kakshi poked at his unmoving form. Yup, definitely dead.

The scarecrow (see above note about the use of the term 'dolphin') screamed his beloved's name out in pain and denial. He beat his chest and ripped at his hair. Hot tears raced down his face, choking him. The grief was so incredibly OUCHIE! He let out a blood curdling wail.

Having gotten that out of his system, the Jounin decided he would go home. Now he _definitely _needed to watch porn, have a good wank, and take a nap.

Owari

P.S. In a completely unrelated coincidence, Sakura died of lack-of-breast cancer. Tsunade was quoted in her eulogy as saying, "Sure, she was starting to suck a little less, but she really took way too long to get there. You snooze, you loose, I always say."


End file.
